Can(e) You Believe This?! or Welcome Back Jill!

So I meant to post this on Christmas Day but laziness got in the way. So forgive me if candy canes and all things festive are stale news to you.

It is Christmas morning and I am in my PJs, eating blueberry and chocolate chip pancakes while watching Jesse Eisenberg and Aziz Ansari in 30 minutes or less. (It had a few laughs but it wasn’t as funny as I thought it would be.) During a particularly humorless scene, I receive a text message from Jill who was at church. What you are about to read is probably inappropriate, a tad blasphemous and utterly disgraceful for a couple of young ladies but Jill and I cannot be wholly culpable for it.

Jill: (after a description of the Marvel themed Christmas musical she had to endure, where Ironman actually irons things)…NOW THEY’RE PREACHING ABOUT CANDY CANES BITCHEZ B CRAY CRAY

Me: Are candy canes evil now

Jill: Candy canes are speshul cos they’re shaped like Js! Like Jesus!

Me: Hahaha, what does it mean then when we’re sucking on a candy cane *waggles eyebrows*

Jill: HAHAHAHAHA oh god (that’s what she said)

Me: HAHAHA

Jill: (quoting from preacher) “the white of the candy cane is purity” um beg to differ
Jill:(continuing to quote from preacher) “this candy cane will never be real to you unless you receive it into your body” OMG OMG

Me: DYING. WHAT IS AIR.

So kids, this has been a lesson in thinking through your analogies because there people out there (or right here) who would not hesitate to warp even the most innocent of intentions. Like Donald Glover, if you play the word “pen” in any word game, I will try my hardest to make it “penis”.

 

Moose Goose Juice

The first word that popped into my head when I woke up today was:

Papoose

Granted, I wasn’t expecting my mind to string together eloquent words to form a fantastic morning greeting (“Good morning starshine/ The earth says hello”) to start my day with.  But, I definitely wasn’t expecting papoose.

The papoose I had in mind was this:

Basically it’s the baby carrier that NPH is wearing.

I have been troubled all day by this papoose incident and so decided to use this as an excuse to revive my ailing blog. But since it would have been a too short stay on wordpress had I just posted the first 2 lines of this (increasingly meandering) post, I decided to google papoose.

A papoose is:

1. A Native American Indian child (regardless of tribe) – Wikipedia
2. A child carrier (as pictured above – the equipment and not the person)
3. A rapper

This is a quote directly from Wikipedia:

Words that rhyme with papoose: moose goose juice shmoose spoose katoose caboose toose oose shupadupadoose tragoonioonioose

There is one rapper called Papoose. He is not very good.

I am not a connoisseur of rap music so I can’t tell you if that last line is true but it made me appreciate Wikipedia because firstly, it thoughtfully provided me with words that rhymed with papoose such as shupadupadoose and secondly, it compelled me to search for Papoose (the rapper) on YouTube.

Based on his rap “Alphabetical Slaughter” I learned:

1. How the alphabet would be taught by Sesame Street if Sesame Street was set in the “streets”.
2. This dude is really into alliteration!

(J!) Jungle jump juggler, jaw-jabbing jeopardizer
Jacking jewelry jingles, jackknife jigging jittery jivers

I don’t know what half his lyrics mean but I have to commend this alliterative feat.

Although the reason for having papoose on the mind has not been resolved, my interest in it has waned and so will this post.

 

“Goodbye gooseberries”, grown-up Gosling gushes gallantly.