So I meant to post this on Christmas Day but laziness got in the way. So forgive me if candy canes and all things festive are stale news to you.
It is Christmas morning and I am in my PJs, eating blueberry and chocolate chip pancakes while watching Jesse Eisenberg and Aziz Ansari in 30 minutes or less. (It had a few laughs but it wasn’t as funny as I thought it would be.) During a particularly humorless scene, I receive a text message from Jill who was at church. What you are about to read is probably inappropriate, a tad blasphemous and utterly disgraceful for a couple of young ladies but Jill and I cannot be wholly culpable for it.
Jill: (after a description of the Marvel themed Christmas musical she had to endure, where Ironman actually irons things)…NOW THEY’RE PREACHING ABOUT CANDY CANES BITCHEZ B CRAY CRAY
Me: Are candy canes evil now
Jill: Candy canes are speshul cos they’re shaped like Js! Like Jesus!
Me: Hahaha, what does it mean then when we’re sucking on a candy cane *waggles eyebrows*
Jill: HAHAHAHAHA oh god (that’s what she said)
Me: HAHAHA
Jill: (quoting from preacher) “the white of the candy cane is purity” um beg to differ
Jill:(continuing to quote from preacher) “this candy cane will never be real to you unless you receive it into your body” OMG OMG
Me: DYING. WHAT IS AIR.
So kids, this has been a lesson in thinking through your analogies because there people out there (or right here) who would not hesitate to warp even the most innocent of intentions. Like Donald Glover, if you play the word “pen” in any word game, I will try my hardest to make it “penis”.
